I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
