you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
