i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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