I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
