You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
