i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize