if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize