I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
