omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
