My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
