i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The beer is more important than you right now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Randomize
