My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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