btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
