Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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