We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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