So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
