I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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