Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize