Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
