Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
