Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
