I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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