We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
