Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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