tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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