Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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