I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
