trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
