I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
