Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
