Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
love makes seman taste better
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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