I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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