That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
