theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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