so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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