I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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