I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
