i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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