This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
