Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize