so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
