She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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