Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize