Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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