I just pynch a tree in the face
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
