I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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