I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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