Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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