Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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