So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
