A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
thus making me awesome and them whores
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
