Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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