happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
