dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
