Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
