I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize