I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
