i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
