I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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