put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i love accidental penises.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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