He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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