I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
