i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize