I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize