Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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