i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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